she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
