I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
