3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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