the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
