break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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