I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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