Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think I won the penis lottery.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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