1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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