I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
