Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
