Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
