i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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