I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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