i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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