Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
