Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
