Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
