remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
