Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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