you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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