Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
