I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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