I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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