you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
