I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
