well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
