Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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