Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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