Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
