Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
