Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
