Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
