WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
