Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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