dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
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then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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