dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
