If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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