I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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