I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
