Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
