I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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