dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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