this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
