In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
bring money and cleavage
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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