vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
At least life still wants to fuck me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
