I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
