I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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