Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
