you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
