Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
