Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
