If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
