I met the friendliest cop last night
its not stalking. its research.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
