Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
