thus making me awesome and them whores
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
