if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
