I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize