Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
