Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
